Saturday, December 29

Raptors Beat Spurs And Win NBA Championshi....

Not quite. At least the victory stopped the continuous slide of the Raps starting with the loss to Portland. And TO did it with a gigantic victory over reigning NBA champs, the San Antonio Spurs, 83-73. The 6 day rest gave the Raptors' coaching staff much needed time to plot the team's strategy especially versus the deadly duo of Tim Duncan and Eva Longra... I mean Tony Parker. Even former Spurs great and current TV man Sam Elliot was expecting a rustier Raptors but was surprised its the other way around. ' Tony should be pushing the ball ' Elliot repeatedly said especially in the 2nd half of the game. Parker seemed slow last night as if his body was still in plaster (right photo) And all the pushings were done by the Raps especially on Tim Duncan by Andrea Bargnani and Kris Humphries. ' I do care about us not being physical ' Spurs' coach Popovich* said of the lame efforts by his team. Why even the ref almost got physical with his team. One ref went chest to chest with Matt Bonner before giving the ex Raptors a ' t ' last night. ' I don't agree with the ref doing that ' said Elliot of the official's actuation. Hah ! I'm sure the refs still remember the Tim Duncan-Joey Crawford incident that led to their fellow ref getting banned from officiating in the NBA . After that Duncan got his ' t ' to make it 4 technicals in all aside from 2 gotten earlier by their coach. No smiling especially no taunting from 'ya all Spurs . Don't ya all know that refs are like that Siberian tiger that mauled 3 teenagers in San Fran Zoo recently. That's why refs and tigers both have stripes !

*Tim to Tony : Physical ? Let me give you a physical exam , Tony . Your right ear is dirty !
Tony : That's not dirt. That's Eva's chewing gum left there last night.

Monday, December 24

Top 10 Holiday Wishes In Raptorland !

No. 10 by Andrea Bargnani . That my mojo will return soon.

No. 9 by Jorge Garbajosa . That mys legs will return soon ! ( first , where are my shoes ? )

No. 8 by Chris Bosh . That there will be more 42 point games like that game in Phoenix.

No. 7 by Sam Mitchell . That there will be no more games in Phoenix period ! (except maybe a hockey game eh , Mr. Nash )

No. 6 by Jamario Moon . That I'm not 27 years old but just a 21 year old like Kevin Durant.

No. 5 also by Jamario Moon . That I won't see the likes of 21 year old rookie again who torched me for 27 points !

No. 4 by by Carlos Delfino . That the Phoenix Suns TV guys don't refer to me as a Jimmy Fallon look alike.

No. 3 by Carlos Delfino again . ....... come to think of it , it's not so bad.... as long as I don't play like Jimmy Fallon !

No. 2. by T.J. Ford . That I can play basketball again . I don't see why not.

No. 1 by Jose Calderon . That T.J. can play basketball again ..... at the local 'Y' , ' y ' not !
Feliz Navidad T.J. !

Saturday, December 22

Carlesimo And His Team Choke TO.

There are not even halfway down their western trip and the Raptors are already showing signs of fatigue. Not good . The Raps lost to 2 'beatable' teams in the Blazers and the Sonics. And some peeps say that the Raps cannot beat 1st class teams . They surely proved them people wrong ! Hah , Sam Mitchell is an equal opportunity loser . Actually , Portland is playing good basketball lately winning its last 10 games but Seattle is a different story. The Sonics were blown away by the Hornets prior to their meeting and beating the Raptors last night , 123-113. You can say that P.J. Carlesimo outcoached Sam . How else can you explain the loss inspite of TO's overwhelming edge in manpower. When the Raps scored 2 straight 3 pt.shots , P.J. said the team went from playing the zone back to playing man to man . P.J put the rookie Jeff Green on Chris Bosh when CB4 started scoring. ' I guess you can call me a defensive stopper now ' said the rook as he prided himself in effectively harrassing Bosh and even Jason Kapono. P.J. is not afraid to give a veteran player a bawling when there is a need for one. ' Oh yeah , he yelled at me during a timeout. He was right ' explained Walt Sczerbiak of P.J.'s verbal barrage on him taking an early shot when the Sonics need to run out the clock. ' 'Everybody who came in picked us up ' said P.J. Carlesimo. I think Sam would have like to pick P.J. by the neck !
One thing noticeable last night and I guess the previous games was how sorry looking Andrea Bargnani is now . The Italian with his week old beard and a bandaged knee was a far cry compared to the hyper Sonics' prized rookie Kevin Durant. Durant scored from all kinds of offensive moves. The dude was intensity personified especially when he stuffed the ball hard causing the spheroid to bounce on the head of Rasho after going through the hoop. What a poster material it would make ! In comparison , Bargs was pictured as a one trick phony by the Sonics TV guys. ' He does'nt like to play with his back to the basket ' said them. At the rate Bargs is playing , he does'nt want to continue playing period . And yes Bargs likes to play with his back .......... to the TV cameras !

Andrea : My beard ? The beard is a product placement like Lindsay Lohan's display of anti smoking medication package !

Wednesday, December 19

White Men Can't Jump .....Teams !

The Toronto Raptors took care of their 1st opponents in this western swing by disposing the wingless LA Clippers. How pathetic are the Clips ? Consider these :
1. their total shooting percentage (40%) is lower than TO's 3 point shooting percentage (42%).
2. they failed to reach the century mark in 9 of the last 10 games. No burritos for you amigos .
3. they have a losing record (9-16) better only than the Grizzlies.
4. they still have no Elton Brand , Sam Cassell and other supporting players.
In other words , LA is as dead as a duck. I bet the LA players are all planning to escape from LA !
The Raps stoop to the level of competition in the 1st half of the game . It's good they decided to play their game in the 2nd half limiting the Clips to just 28 points in the final half .Bosh showed up with Moon matching his season high 16 points. In as much as there were only 4 games Tuesday night , Moon's block on Chris Kaman's shot made it to ESPN Sportscenter's hightlight. Sweeet. No worry Chris Kaman's fans . Coach Sam Mitchell was all praise for the Clip's center. ' Kaman is the 2nd best center in the West next to Tim Duncan.I am amazed at Kaman's improvement year after year ' Sam profusely praised the UM graduate. Hmmm. Is Sam courting Kaman to jump ship after his contract is over? Normally , Sam reserves his hossanahs to the likes of LBJ and KG . That only means Hossanah Jesus Chris (Kaman ), Superstar . I don't blame Sammy boy. The Raps need a Great White Hope to improve their TV ratings. Imagine the ratings of curling and obscure winter sports being better than the Raptors' games on TV ! What would it take for Canadians to watch a basketball game ? Play the damn game on ice !

Monday, December 17

If The Raptors Are Real Dinosaurs ....

1. Chris Bosh will be a long neck Sauropaud dinosaur...

2. T.J. Ford and Jose Calderon will be the agile and swift Deinochus dinosaurs....

3. Rasho Nestorovich will be a slow moving Edmontausarus dinosour. ..

4. Jamario Moon will be a bird like Compsognatus dinosour ...

5. Carlos Delfino will be like a ferocious Herrerasaurus dinosaur discovered in Argentina.. .

6......and lastly , Darrick Martin will be the smallish , fat and bald Barney dinosour.

Sunday, December 16

Time To Call Home Depot For Retooling !

After an impressive come from the anus victory over the Indiana Pacers including Tingsley and his brothers , Raps' fans envisioned a tight game this afternoon. The only tight one I saw in this game was Big Baby' (Davis) stomach. In fact, the game was Boston all the way. The C's led by as much as 21 points as early as the 1st half. I was waiting for the Raptors' run but TO managed to come close by 10 points only. Oh , the Raptors did ran ... they ran towards the dugout in shame . ' The Raptors better get used to the Celtics. Boston will be in their faces this season ' warned ultimate homer , Tommy Heinsohn , Boston's basketball Analyst. Translation : Surrender the Atlantic Division pennant now. Raps better retool quick . Retool with the Cs' lineup in mind. Call Home Depot. They can help. Right now , Sam, the Builder , not the Coach is needed !
The guns of the Raptors were terribly off today. Parker (2 out 8 FG) can't get untracked. Except briefy in the 4th quarter , Kapono (3/9) did not get untracked . Delfino was complety off the track (1/4). And Bargnani (1/3) should be driving a truck instead of playing basketball. Bargs simply was atrocious ! All his attempts at the basket were forced and uncoordinated. What happened to the smooth release Bargs is known for ? If Bargs does'nt shape up , he will be released by B.C . and that won't be smooth as well . The truth is the result of today's game was not a surprise to B.C. and the fans I'm sure. TO is a perimeter shooting team. If the outside game is not working , the Raps don't have an outside chance. The team needs one who can play strong inside. A proven penetrator . Like a Ron Jeremy . Ooops wrong kind of penetrator. I mean a Ron Artest ! One with a strong inside game and a decent outside game. The other Ron plays a strong indecent inside game !

Ron J. : I also have an excellent work ethic.....or is it an excellent unethical work ? Whatever !

Thursday, December 13

Not Ready To Make Mice....Err ...Nice .

Somehow the Raptors 2 consecutive victories against the surging Atlanta Hawks and the sinking Dallas Mavericks are clouded with question about the team's character . 'Toronto did'nt fight ? Nobody in Toronto did nothing ? asked Lebron James after viewing the Halford-TJ incident. James added that's a crazy (non) action by the players of Toronto. Or it's either TJ has no friend in the team or the squad is composed of totally of nice guys . The situ was made worst by the fact that the TV camera caught fellow Texan and so called closest friend (?) of TJ in the team, Chris Bosh , smiling when just about everybody from both sides was as quiet as a mouse as TJ was lying motionless on the floor. There were reports that coach Sam Mitchell went ballistic on the Atlanta rookie. Huh, OK. Was that supposed to make up for timidity of the Raptors players ? The Raps need to have their DNAs altered if they hope to go far in the playoffs. Yeah , like this mouse which was genetically altered by Japanese scientists to make it fearless of its mortal enemy , the cat . Otherwise , LBJ and the rest of the NBA will kick their collective asses as they know the Raps won't fight no matter what. Alter their DNA now quick. Unless the Raps' DNAs mean Do Not Alter !!
So the Raps beat the Mavs (92-76) after 4 long years of trying. Big deal. Dallas is no longer the cream of the crop. Dallas is now the puff cream of the crap. This early this season , the Mavs lost 9 games already of which 3 were losses to Eastern Conference wanna be's - the Pacers , the Wizards and now the Raps. I don't know why the Mavs are lousy this season . Maybe because it's flamboyant owner is busy doing things everywhere. Let's see , Mark Cuban participated in the Dancing With The Stars at ABC studio . Then , Cuban was involved in a heated war of words with Fox' Bill O'Reilly over the former's Iraq war movie Redacted . Just last Saturday , Cuban was in Vegas inside the ring during the introduction portion of the Floyd Mayweather -Ricky Hatton fight . The guy is everywhere . Maybe Mark Cuban's DNA was genetically engineered to enable him to fly everywhere !

Tuesday, December 11

Top 10 Jobs Waiting For Aging Raptor Darrick Martin !

No.10 - Substitute mascot of the Toronto Raptors.

No. 9 - Join Guilermo as Jimmy Kimmel's sidekick.

No. 8 - Pinch hit for look alike Emmitt Smith in the NFL TV booth.

No. 7 - Official permanent props in the NBA slam dunk contest.

No. 6 - Join the new hit reality show 'Dancing With The Porno Stars'.

No. 5 - Replace Britney Spears' tell all bodyguard.

No. 4 - Join the 'D' league . No not that league but the 'D'warf league !

No. 3 - Bald spokesperson for 'Save The Bald Eagle 'movement.

No. 2 - Appear as Barney Ruble in the new Flintstone movie.

And the number 1 job waiting for Darrick Martin when he retires is as the........Official waterboarding Volunteer of the CIA !

Monday, December 10

Humps Brings Sexy Back .

The man dubbed ' Sexy Legs ' by some Raptors' fans brought his 'A' game yesterday. Humphries scored 19 points and collared 9 rebounds to lead the Raps from a come from behind victory over Yao and the Houston Rockets.' Humps is a young player and sometimes he likes it all ' said coach Sam Mitchell of Humpries. ' If you just move , set picks and run the floor , you can get 8 , 10 points a game ' he added. Sam , are you saying that Humps should go slow ? If the velocity challenged Humpries takes that advice , he'll be a statue ! With the departure of Hoffa , Kris Humpries is the only remaining muscle guy in the team . Just look at the Raps' bigs- Bosh , Moon and Baston. They are like malnourished players from some country in Africa. I don't count the midgets (anyone shorter than 6'8") especially the guy called the Human Bobblehead - Darrick Martin . Rasho , Bargs and Garbo are not really skinny but they don't have pronounced muscles. Humphries however is built like he can take on a WWE wrestler. See the guy wrestled with Andy and Z as shown in the right photo. ' Get your own lunch' Humps shouted to the 2 who look like participants in a before and after of a hair growth medicine commercial.
Muscles are not all good. Too much muscles make one too mechanical in his movements like a robot. Especially if you are a white basketball player. That is why robots are almost always white . Not yellow , not brown and definitely not black. Just look at Toyota's latest creation. That is why there's no Shaq robot .Until now. You see , the Diesel is kinda slow now . Oh well , they can attribute Shaq's robot slowness to metal fatigue !

Coach : All together now , who's your Daddy ?
Bobbleheads : Daddy Darrick !

Sunday, December 9

Garbo's Replacement.


Tor. Sun's Buffery : Who will replace Garbo as your glue guy ?
B.C. : No problemo . I got a new player from the Europe.....
.........Steve , meet Elmer D. Glue guy.


Friday, December 7

GEMario Or _Emario Moon ?

Everyone in Raptorland is happy that B.C. found a gem in Jemario Moon. I am not sold out yet of this guy's longetivity and overall talent. Moon can't shoot from the outside. Absolutely no 'J' or jumpshot. If Jamario wants to be like the real thing , he should work on his outside shot. I wondered how Jamario averaged 27 ppg in the D league . All layups and dunks maybe ? For him to be taken seriously by the opponents , Jamario needs to be able to shoot from the outside. He needs to practice 600 shots a day like ex Net Mickey Moore did 2 summers ago. Moore became a great mid range shooter last season which helped the Nets execute the pick and roll effectively as they showed when they beat the Raps in 6 games of last season's playoffs. The improved offense by Moore led him to get moore money in his next contract this time with the Sacto Kings. Actually , Jamario posseses a nice looking jumpshot. Definitely easy to the eyes than to the guy he is compared to by teammate Anthony Parker - Shawn Marion . Marion as shown here on the right (before a game makeover) together with Atlanta's Childress are founding members of the ' Ugly Jumpshooters Club '. Marion though is a deadly shooter even from the 3 point range as he displayed in Wednesday's game. If Jamario , improves his 'J' , I would not call him Emario (no 'J') anymore . Maybe , I'll call him JaMarion !
Another thing about Jamario is his lack of respect for the NBA and its players. Jamario said before that ' there is not much difference between the play in the NBA and the CBA . Huh ? Last night's game gave him a sample of the kind of plays in the big league. The kind that KG dishes everynight instead of the unkind that produced a puny 2 points ( on 1 of 6 shooting ) vs. the Celts. There is still 'Sheed , Josh Smith and a long trip to the West on schedule , Rook . Show me that you can close to your minor league average and maybe I will believe you . ' KG wanted to win even every practice game when he was in Minnesota . He once scored 50 points on me ' said Garnett's former teammate and Raps' coach Sam Mitchell last night. ' He made me better ' Sam added. As a player not as a coach !

: Are you talking to me ? Are you talking to me ? That's my bast impersonation of Bob De Niro .Only , I'm Mucho Dinero now !

Thursday, December 6

Where The Suns Don't Shine...

For 364 days. The Phoenix Suns let the sunshine in and the barrage of points too to defeat the upstart Toronto Raptors 136-123. The asses in TO who predicted that their Raps were strong enough to defeat the Suns were given a dose of reality. A friend of mine was superexcited yesterday . He was going to see the game live. Instead , he saw the Raps dead. Dead from non stop fastbreak by Barbosa and Co. The Brazilian Blur had 27 points by the 3rd quarter ! The only consolation to Raps' fans was no matter how long Darrick Martin will try to freeze the ball like in the Raptors' last game , the score will surely reach the 100 mark for free pizza !
Give it to the ACC fans though. They cheered even though their team was being waylaid. They even mooooooned when favorite Raptor Janario Moon blocked Shawn Marion's shot.Chuck Swirsky was all agog over Moon's weak block saying on the air that it's his x consecutive game with a block at least. Oh well. What can you expect. In the land of the blind , the one armed man is King . In this land of puckheads , the ballheaded one is supreme. Or should I say the baldheaded one is supreme ! My gosh don't harped to the TO fans like it's a big deal that Moon continues to swat balls away . The Hawks' Josh Smith is averaging almost 3 blocks a game .Did'nt these guys see his block on D. Wade's shot that prevented their game from going O.T. ? Or how he smothered the C's Eddie House shot eventhough the guy tried to protect the ball with his body ? These blocks were the real ones. You can say that Josh's blocks are blockbusters !

Wednesday, December 5

Don't Cry For Me Urgentina

See what contract year can do ? Carlos Delfino is playing like there is no tommorow.He is playing with a sense of urgency. A real Urgentine indeed ! ' I got to show what I can do this season . I don't want to go back to Europe ' Delfino was quoted before the season begun. The man who has a perpetually arranged hairdo is averaging close to 16 points a game in 30 minutes of play in the last 4 games. Those are quantum leap from his stats when he was in Detroit. In Motortown , Delfino was known as a dead engine . Or at least a stalled engine. Fans there said Delfino's a lazy basketball player that was why he languished on the Pistons' bench . Suddenly the guy is a star(?) here in Toronto . He just need to continue doing the same thing and Delfino is sure to get a fat contract at the end of the year. Delfino must do something else . Undo the hairdo . The do might give you a cool image ala Travolta in Grease or The Fonz but it perpetuates the view that you want to do everything the easy way like the 2 TV/movie characters. Even his present coach felt he was too laid back as a player before that was why Sam seldom used him during pre season games. It's the laid back hairdo Carlos. The pomade or gel supported hair gave Sam the wrong 1st impression. Undo the hairdo and your image will change forever. Then you can be a real star. Otherwise , you will still be a star alright. Not in the basketball court. ... but a star of a gel commercial !

Tuesday, December 4

SAMthing 'Gotta Give !

Yup . Another one bites the dust. Coach Sam Mitchell showed he has some coaching talent as he guided an undermanned Raptors team to a landslide victory over the Charlotte Bobcats , 98-79. Sam showed another Sam, Sam Vincent , that he has still a lot of growing up to do before he can reach the COY awardee last year. After all , Vincent is only 6'1'' to Mitchell's 6'9" height when he is not angry at TO sports scribes. If sports reporters anger Sam , he shoots up to 9"6" ! You can say that Vincent can continue dreaming in some starry starry night ! Unfortunately , it was snowy in TO last night. Definitely no stars. Maybe , this (coaching) world was not meant for one as beautiful as Vincent . Ooops, wrong Vincent .The Raps were simply awesome despite the absence of its 3 stars. I told you, no stars in TO last night. Jose Calderon's (12 pts. 9 asst.) passing was chris , I mean , crisp. Kris Humprey (17 pts./ 6 reb.) was in control . No bargs , I mean , no barging into opponents foolishly like he is prone to do. And Joey Graham (13 pts. 4 reb.) , Joey G. was no tj , I mean, kj . Joey G. made everyone happy with his performance in the game last night !
Let's face it. The Bobcats were atrocious last night missing point blank shots , committing unforced errors and failing to take advantage of Emeka Okafour, 5 , 6 , 7 countless opportunities for low post plays.The biggest dissapointment however was Bobcats' Jason Richardson. J. Rich as he is popularly known , was far from the spectacular one that distinguished himself as an outside/inside threat when he was a member of the Golden State Warriors last season. ' Initially , J.Rich was sad when he was informed of the trade to the Bobcats. Then Michael Jordan called him in the morning and explained why he traded for him . Everything was fine after that ' narrated the Bobcats' TV guy of the transaction. Uh oh . J.Rich better disconnect his phone today or at least leave a taped message in his machine. Tell MJ that J.Rich cannot be reached at this number anymore !

Vincent Van Gogh : Sam Mitchell is just like me.
I had a full beard , Sam has a full beard !
I had a crazy mind , Sam has a 'lil crazy mind !
I had syphilis , ahh eh eh ... Mo Pete has herpes !